Surrender!

Well, I can't say I'm surprised at the outcome: Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning--once known for his killer curveball as a hall of fame pitcher in the 1960's, then developing more of a mean screwball in his later political career--has officially announced today that he will retire rather than seek reelection in 2010. For at least six months now he's invoked the moniker of "embattled Ky Senator" whenever his name was discussed in the media, and seen the bulk of his largest campaign contributors jump ship, giving their cold hard GOP cash to Trey Grayson, a guy who hasn't even filed the necessary paperwork to run yet.

This after months of defiant chest-thumping, trash talk and public disses. What finally made him bow out of a race he bullishly insisted he was in-to-win, no question about it, yessiree? Well, Jim has called shenanigans on his Republican peers, specifically minority leader Mitch McConnell, who supposedly (according to Bunning, that is) told him he was "too old to get reelected" back in January. Ever since that little rumor was floated, Jim has been rebranded by his own party as the Most Vulnerable Republican Incumbent in the Senate, with some shrewdly questioning his mental state (the word "Alzheimer's" has come up a few times, as has "dementia" and "loony-tunes"). Of course, Bunning himself hasn't exactly helped his situation, electing not to curtail his usual verbal barrage of partisan insanity. He's also cited the state of his "pathetic" (Jim's own words) fundraising as another main reason he'll not be running, but it seems like he knows that his paltry campaign bank account is just a symptom of the larger problem: his state of pariah-hood among his own party.

I have to say, I have a bit of a ghoulish motive for being sad about this (inevitable) outcome. I expected this plot to play out to a much more climactic end game scenario, involving no less than a perfect shit storm of blustery proselytizing, fire, brimstone, and slanderous, reputation-soiling bi-partisan mudslinging. I was virtually--okay, actually--smacking my lips in anticipation of the kind of wack-job things Bunning would say next about which scandal-mongering high-profile GOP insider. The way he has been throwing out jumped-to paranoid conclusions was inspiring in the same way I imagine his pitching must have been in that game in 1964 (against the New York Mets), when he threw a perfect game.

That is, he inspired me to get in the game myself and come up with a conspiracy theory of my own: that no matter how insistent he was about really running for reelection, he was simply keeping up his lazy brand of fundraising with the intention of keeping whatever he raised for himself--as a kind of consolation "F-you" prize to his political "freinemies." And maybe I was right, but he had to bailout now for some shadowy, unspoken reason--conspiracy theories are always richer when dark, unknown elements are thrown into the murky stew of political intrigue: sauce for the goose! But I was sure that he would hang in there at least until the next quarter, squeezing the basest of his base for their last "anybody-but-the-other-guy" dime. Ah, well--in his own mind, I'm sure he's going out a winner.