Optometrists Vs. Ophthalmologists: which ones are real doctors?

Or: which ones do you want pointing lasers into your eyeballs?

Well, if you live in Kentucky then don't worry about knowing the difference, 'cause now you can get the same surgical eye procedures from either/or:

"Optometrists are licensed to conduct eye examinations, prescribe glasses and contact lenses and diagnose and treat various eye conditions and diseases. SB 110 would allow them to perform certain procedures, including a laser procedure to correct problems that sometimes occur after cataract surgery."

(Courier-Journal, Feb 11, 2011)

So, SB 110 sailed through the usual chutes & ladders of KY legislature back in February to emerge victorious and curiously unquestioned by almost everyone involved. It took only 4 days--from when it was proposed to when it passed into law with a 33-3 vote.

Looks like optometrists have been greasing somebody's palms, amiright? According to the C-J:

"Campaign contribution records on the Kentucky Registry of Election Finance's Website show that optometrists gave about $264,000 in campaign donations in 2010 alone -- most of that to candidates for the legislature. And the group's political action committee, the Optometric PAC, gave another $132,700"

Uh-huh. It all makes you very wary, doesn't it? A group of people who where not really trained to do surgery (on your eyes!), but who so desperately want to cut on your peepers (with lasers!) that they'll make it rain on whoever to get their way. Yikes. (Yeah, yeah, I know: this very thing happens all the time. But, shit KY: do you have to make it look so obvious? Howsabout a little deliberation? For decorum's sake?)

But the real question that should be on everybody's mind is "what does KY's own fake ophthalmologist think about all these wanna-be eye surgeon upstarts?" Well, Randy hasn't been very vocal about this one, curiously--except via loathsome good old boy cronies who like to name drop:

"Senate President David Williams, R-Burkesville, said afterward that some ophthalmologists who oppose the bill spoke to him this week about their concerns -- and that one of them was U.S. Sen. Rand Paul of Bowling Green.

Because of the concerns, a committee meeting was held Friday morning at which ophthalmologists said the bill would give optometrists the authority to perform procedures beyond their training.

Williams emphasized that the bill passed with only three no votes. [Guess a few people didn't get invited out to the club the night they were handing out buckets o' money]

"There was no rush. There was support. Look at the level of support out there. We pass bills when there's the support," he said. [Yeah, hey, lookit the support! Gosh, actually, you know, I'm having trouble seeing anything--where can a girl get a good eye-lasering around here? Everybody's licensed now, right?]

Williams described his conversation with Paul as "fine." He said he "talked to Sen. Paul frequently about a lot of things, and he and I have talked about this bill. ... Obviously he was not supportive of this bill."

So, big surprise: David Williams (who is running for governor, BTW) wants to make it clear that he and his good pal "Dr." Paul are always shooting the shit "about a lot of things." But why do you think Randy is really against SB 110? My theory is that he wants to keep all the power of lasers to himself! Sure, I mean how else can he truly capitalize on his hushed-up gamma radiation-induced super power if every commoner with an associates degree can wield them?

"Look into my eyes, David Williams!"

So is this a victory for KY optometrists? Maybe, but watch your backs, fellas! "Dr." Lazer Eyes might be coming by to fix your cataracts...permanently!

Filibustin' a Move with Crazy Jimmy B

Well, readers, you may have noticed that one of KY's original good ole boys has been in the news rather prominently (again) as of late--and you know that's never a good thing for KY. Well, this time it's really not a good thing for the huge numbers of unemployed: everyone's "favorite" cantankerous governmental nap-taker, Jim Bunning, has been a lot more active than usual in his job this past week: he's been the lone Senator holding up the legislation that would extend jobless benefits (i.e. unemployment and health insurance) to roughly one million currently out-of-work Americans. Way to take a stand, there, Jimmy boy--right onto the backs of your constituents (KY's unemployment rate is currently one of the nation's highest--10.7%), and during the worst economic crises since the Great Depression, no less.

You may remember the salad days of Jim Bunning insanity fun--back in the years and months before he "decided to retire" (read: before he was pressured by the entire GOP to bail on reelection due to a torrent of gaffes and truly offensive outbursts). You could pretty much count on Jimmy to make the news bi-weekly--whether it was dissing Mitch McConnell or publicly celebrating Ruth Bader Ginsburg's cancer diagnosis or cussing out reporters during a conference call, you knew that if Jimmy had shown up somewhere and said something, whatever it was would be derogatory, petulant, sexist, rude, profane, and/or outlandish. The local newspaper had even suggested (bluntly, and not in jest) that he was getting dementia--they ran an interview last summer with a mental health specialist who used Jimmy's behavior to diagnose a possible loss of brain function(!).

So anyway--here we are, every single one of the other Senators voting to extend unemployment except Jim. Jim who, suddenly, feels like taking a stand rather than his usual MO: i.e. stare in jaded silence, perhaps blurt some shitty remark and then, later, a nap. Or maybe just stay home and skip the whole ordeal. But now we meet principled Jimmy, Mr. Fiscal Responsibility. But don't be fooled, it's still the same old Crazy Jimmy B: while his fellow Senators tried to change his mind he complained about missing a UofK basketball game; when Sen. Jeff Merkely (D-OR) asked him to stand down Jimmy replied "tough shit!"; and when reporters asked him for an interview he casually flipped the bird to one of the producers (according to ABC News)(!).

Of course, these days Jimmy can afford to be a self righteous finger-wagger at our expense: he's not running for reelection next year, so he doesn't really need to worry about the fallout (although, I'm not sure he ever really worried about it before, either). So maybe he figures that by using his final months in office to be an anti-middle class obstructionist A-hole he can cash-in on a little of that tea bagging fever. Maybe Fox News will even make him their newest correspondent...he would fit right in, maybe even make some of their other sideshow attractions seem sane and well-balanced in comparison (note to Glenn Beck: it's gonna take a mighty river of tears to compete with the cluster bomb of crazy that is Jim Bunning, so start hydrating now).

And it's not just unemployment benefits that will be affected: 2,000 federal workers will be furloughed, reimbursements to states for transportation projects will be halted (including two bridge replacement projects in Kentucky), a provision expired that would have stopped a 21% cut in Medicare reimbursements to doctors, and loan programs for small businesses are now on hold. Whew! That's a whole lotta work for an old guy like Jimmy--I'm sure it was enough to really tucker the poor guy out. Let's hope all the angry phone calls and bomb threats that his Kentucky office has been receiving this week hasn't kept him from catching his z's.

Louisville's Wanna-be Mayor is King of Scandals

There's been a lot of shady behavior coming to light lately concerning metro councilman and mayoral candidate Jim King. He's always been an outspoken opponent of pretty much anything current mayor Jerry Abramson says or does, but of course he's been upping the ante ever since Jerr announced this summer that he would be running for Lieutenant Governor in 2010. All of a sudden King is in the paper almost every day, hustling some smack talk of one kind or another; but there's also been a comically steady stream of King-related scandals and ethical over-stepping.

Most if it has to do with his daughter, 29-year-old Katie King, who was elected as a judge in last years election. Wow, where to even begin with this one? Katie is what I would describe as "one of those treacherously bitchy rich blonde chicks who spent high school in a tanning booth plotting her rise to prom queen, and college in a giggly haze of Jagermeister and Rohypnol." Basically, she's 2nd generation new money, riding high after pimping out daddy's influence to (literally) buy herself a prestigious job appointment she is in no way qualified for. The Kings own a bank (King Southern Bank), and daddy got sort-of busted recently when it was made public that he gave Katie an illegal campaign contribution of $135,000 (it's currently unclear if this is going to have any consequences for anyone) that he claims was an "early inheritance." Riiiiight--after all, Princess shouldn't have to wait for daddy to croak before she gets to play dress-up on the public dime.

Earlier last month Daddy sent out an email to local lawyers asking them to grade Princess favorably on the Louisville Bar Association's current judicial evaluation. Experts are split on whether that was actually an ethical violation, but seriously: of course it is! Daddy is on the metro council, he owns a bank and he's a favorite in the mayoral pool: gee, do you think that he may have a bit of influence in this town? Do you think he might be able to collect favors from those in power? Do you think those being asked for said favor would feel pressure to oblige? Hmmm. Congratulations on your performance review, Princess. Oh, and of course Daddy has pleaded ignorance in any wrong doing in both cases--:"Gosh, I didn't know those things were wrong! I just love my little angel--no harm done, right guys?

And for her part Princess hasn't said so much as a word about not wanting or needing Daddy's help, or even acknowledging that any of this was wrong. Great judge, that one. Maybe she was too busy stealing other people's fiances on reality television shows to bother herself with issues of ethics.

And now there's yet another King family drama playing out: Daddy and the Ex-Mrs. King were recently rebuffed for trying to seal their 1988 divorce records from the public record. Other, more responsible and law-serving judges refused to cave and released the documents anyway. Apparently, according to the Louisville Courier-Journal, there was a good reason for the Kings' nervousness: the divorce records contained reports of domestic abuse. Now Daddy's attorney says King would like to "negotiate a settlement with the newspaper to keep certain documents private." For a bank president, that roughly translates into "how much should I make the check out for?"

That Finger's Been in Somebody's Pie

OOOkay...I tend to post a lot about Jim Bunning here, and even the occasional rap on Mitch McConnell, and it usually has a humorous tone to it because, well, these guys are usually hilarious. They're a couple of good old boys from the GOP who Kentucky just can't seem to get rid of, and they're usually so hung up on calling each other names and double-dealing their inter-party smack talk that they typically miss any real opportunity to: A. get anything else accomplished, B. say anything nice (or rational) about anyone, C. make Kentucky look like anything other than a raving hillbilly hotbed, and D. seriously rankle my ire. Besides the acute embarrassment they cause for the state, they're just a couple of regular, harmless blow-hards.

But...

The recent amendment to the Defense Appropriations bill introduced by freshman senator from Minnesota, Al Franken, has given our boys a plum opportunity to stand united against something that, for once, we should all be able to agree on: the amendment proposes punishment for contractors who "restrict their employees from taking workplace sexual assault, battery and discrimination cases to court." This was prompted by the recent news that a 19 year old female KBR employee (KBR, by the way, is a subsidiary of Halliburton) was gang raped by her co-workers, then locked in a storage locker, threatened, and later told that she would not be able to take legal recourse because Halliburton thinks it is above the law (and, apparently, so do 30 senators--um, all republican--who voted against Franken's amendment). One could assume that Bunning and McConnell agree with Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.) who said that the amendment was a "political attack directed at Halliburton." Wow. Yes, poor Halliburton. Way to tow the party line, there, fellas. Now that you've done your job on that, feel free to get back to railing against ACORN and working on your derisive belly laughs.

schmucks.

Anti-Library Meathead for Mayor

The above thick-necked gentleman is Chris Thieneman: ex-football player for the University of Louisville, real estate developer, and local "activist". The big--albeit not surprising--news this morning is that Thieneman will be running as a Republican for the job of metro Louisville mayor. I'm careful to specify "Republican" because anyone familiar with his recent political antics must wonder which side he's choosing this time around. Last spring he threw a major public temper tantrum after announcing that he would run for Congress against Louisville's incumbent Representative John Yarmuth. He claimed that other Republicans were conspiring to pressure him out of the race, implicating Republican minority leader Mitch McConnell and ousted Representative Anne Northup as his high-profile antagonists. Thieneman later denounced them on a local radio talk show, announcing that he was switching party affiliation and supporting the Democratic candidate. I guess he found it in his heart to forgive the Republican party.

Besides his rather entertaining conspiracy theorizing and penchant for bad neckties, we Louisvillians can look forward to a plethora of brain-numbing sports metaphores in the coming campiagn season. A self-described jock, Thieneman certainly looks the part, but the resemblance is not only skin deep: in 2007 he embarked on a staunchly anti-nerd agenda. He spearheaded a local grassroots effort to vote down a referendum that would've allocated an occupational tax to expand, improve and fund the ailing public library system. Before switching sides in his Congressional bid, Chris gave an interview for the local news:

"I can guarantee you that he (Yarmuth) represents the special interests -- the same group that fought against us on the library tax. I promise you that."

Yes, the "special interests" of, um, literacy promoting lobbyists...and, er, fat cat homework nerds...Yarmuth's response to Thieneman's later support of his campaign? "Uh, no thanks, Chris, I'm good."

This latest news about Thienenman's bid for mayor comes on the heels of a lawsuit, announced just last week, against current metro mayor Jerry Abramson, metro government, the city 's economic development department, the city's internal auditor and its finance department--for giving a forgivable loan to a developer who built a touristy night life mecca downtown. Whew! Now that's one litigious guy! He announced this law suit but never actually filed it. He claims he dropped it because his supporters encouraged him to run for mayor instead. Sure, why waste your time following through with your bitter finger pointing as a private citizen, when you can engage in bitter finger pointing while on the campaign trail? This guy is a multitasker! Of course, like all glory-seeking jocks, he also fancies himself a local hero...my interpretation may veer more towards the "opportunistic attention mongering troglodyte" end of the spectrum.

Of course his campaign also has the potential to pick up the flag dropped recently by Kentucky's out-going political crazyman and resident gaffe-machine: Senator Jim Bunning. Time will tell if we here at Mercy Missiles will be writing essays devoted to Thieneman's blustery verbal wind-breaking. More to come, surely.

Surrender!

Well, I can't say I'm surprised at the outcome: Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning--once known for his killer curveball as a hall of fame pitcher in the 1960's, then developing more of a mean screwball in his later political career--has officially announced today that he will retire rather than seek reelection in 2010. For at least six months now he's invoked the moniker of "embattled Ky Senator" whenever his name was discussed in the media, and seen the bulk of his largest campaign contributors jump ship, giving their cold hard GOP cash to Trey Grayson, a guy who hasn't even filed the necessary paperwork to run yet.

This after months of defiant chest-thumping, trash talk and public disses. What finally made him bow out of a race he bullishly insisted he was in-to-win, no question about it, yessiree? Well, Jim has called shenanigans on his Republican peers, specifically minority leader Mitch McConnell, who supposedly (according to Bunning, that is) told him he was "too old to get reelected" back in January. Ever since that little rumor was floated, Jim has been rebranded by his own party as the Most Vulnerable Republican Incumbent in the Senate, with some shrewdly questioning his mental state (the word "Alzheimer's" has come up a few times, as has "dementia" and "loony-tunes"). Of course, Bunning himself hasn't exactly helped his situation, electing not to curtail his usual verbal barrage of partisan insanity. He's also cited the state of his "pathetic" (Jim's own words) fundraising as another main reason he'll not be running, but it seems like he knows that his paltry campaign bank account is just a symptom of the larger problem: his state of pariah-hood among his own party.

I have to say, I have a bit of a ghoulish motive for being sad about this (inevitable) outcome. I expected this plot to play out to a much more climactic end game scenario, involving no less than a perfect shit storm of blustery proselytizing, fire, brimstone, and slanderous, reputation-soiling bi-partisan mudslinging. I was virtually--okay, actually--smacking my lips in anticipation of the kind of wack-job things Bunning would say next about which scandal-mongering high-profile GOP insider. The way he has been throwing out jumped-to paranoid conclusions was inspiring in the same way I imagine his pitching must have been in that game in 1964 (against the New York Mets), when he threw a perfect game.

That is, he inspired me to get in the game myself and come up with a conspiracy theory of my own: that no matter how insistent he was about really running for reelection, he was simply keeping up his lazy brand of fundraising with the intention of keeping whatever he raised for himself--as a kind of consolation "F-you" prize to his political "freinemies." And maybe I was right, but he had to bailout now for some shadowy, unspoken reason--conspiracy theories are always richer when dark, unknown elements are thrown into the murky stew of political intrigue: sauce for the goose! But I was sure that he would hang in there at least until the next quarter, squeezing the basest of his base for their last "anybody-but-the-other-guy" dime. Ah, well--in his own mind, I'm sure he's going out a winner.

The Jim Bunning Guide to Campaign Finance

Well, the moment we've all been waiting for has finally come and gone, and here we are still wondering what the hell our boy Jim Bunning--KY GOP Senator-cum-crazyman (or is it "crazyman-cum-Senator"?) extraordinaire--was talking about last week when he bragged that his campaign finance report would "show him with more cash on hand for his 2010 race than any other Kentucky Republican candidates or potential candidates." (As reported in KY's Courier-Journal on July 8th by reporter James R. Carroll) Well, that report was due out on July 15th...so do you suppose our boy Jimbo was right about his predictions of PAC champagne wishes and caviar dreams?

As you may have supposed, it actually has gone quite the other way for our Man in the Trenches. Beleaguered by the usual crowd of political enemies on the Democratic side, he's also had a very entertaining feud with the leaders of his own party, engaging in a beef with minority leader Mitch McConnell so epic it borders on Fiddy Cent-esque (although I suppose you could also make the usual degrading Hatfield V McCoy comments so popular when describing catty Kentucky political bickering. Hint: when choosing between hillbilly and gangsta rapper analogies, the savvier Kentuckian will usually go the gangsta route). So basically this was Jim's way of trying to say "F you" to everybody, but of course everyone knew he was making an impossible bluff--there's no way he could've had more money than anyone else, especially since most of the big money types have been scared well clear of Mr. Bunning by all the petulant GOP infighting and wackier-than-usual Bunning crazy talk.

So let's take a look at the official numbers:

So far, from April through June of this year, Jimbo has on hand $302,466. Republican Trey Grayson has about twice that: $603,164. Ky's attorney general and resident pretty boy, Dem Jack Conway, has outdone both by raising $1.3 million in the same amount of time.

Nowadays it seems that elections are getting pretty expensive in KY. Mitch raised a staggering 20.9 MILLION DOLLARS for his 2008 reelection campagn (compare that with the paltry $5.7 million he raised and spent on his 2002 campaign), but get this: he SPENT $21.3 million (for that kinda dough I was expecting his tv spots to be produced by Lucasfilm, Ltd.). Mitch is still paying off that million dollar debt, from what I hear, and he only narrowly defeated opponent Bruce Lunsford, who rose and spent only half what McConnell did. If Republicans are going to have the same kind of trouble in 2010 over Bunning's Senate seat, then I'd say things don't look good, especially considering Conway's numbers. In light of that, it may be time for Jimbo to really up the crazy ante if he truly wants to keep his job.

So, in the spirit of pushing our hip hop analogy to its inevitable conclusion, I'd like to offer my own suggestion for Bunning's next shrewd political move: since he already seems to be channeling the afore-mentioned gangsta rappers and their own lyrical rivalries (in certain hip hop circles McConnell would surely be called out for the "sucker MC" he is), I think Bunning should consider non-chalantly--yet conspicuously, and in front of a pack of hungry-eyed Courier-Journal reporters--openning his briefcase and flashing a wad of Euros. Hey, it worked for Jay-Z.

For any of you who thought my recent Jim Bunning post had nothing whatsoever to do with baseball...

Jimbo was a hall of fame pitcher, most significantly with the Detroit Tigers from 1955 to '63 and later in his career with the Phillies; he spent two seasons with the Pirates, and the Summer of Love with the Dodgers. He retired from baseball in 1971 with a lifetime ERA of 3.27, 224 wins and only 184 losses. Amazingly, in 18 years as a major league pitcher, he balked only 8 times (compare that with his political career so far...)

The Jim Bunning Guide to Politics

Reading the local newspaper here in Louisville, Kentucky has never taken a whole lot of time, even before last winter when the Courier-Journal dramatically scaled back its already anemic little rag (for "cost reduction reasons"). It's a thin offering of local goings-on, and most of the features are syndicated from the larger papers from larger, more important cities. With so many aggregate news sites on the internet offering free, constantly updated content you have to really scratch to come up with some sort of extra reason to plunk down your 75 cents--it's what we in the library and information science business call "added value." Well, nothing ratchets up the added value of our local AP cannibalizer for me more than our own illustrious GOP nutball senator: Jim Bunning. Old Jim (and I do mean OLD: at 77, he's one of the oldest in the Senate) is quite entertaining, if not acutely embarrassing for the state of Kentucky. If there happens to be a story about him in the paper on any given day, you can count on it being worth your time & your dime.

Bunning has a deep history of defiant foot-in-mouth syndrome, and he is bullishly unrepentant about the most outrageously inflammatory verbal diahrea. During his 2004 reelection campaign he was quoted saying his opponent (a child of Italian immigrants) looked like one of Saddam Hussein's sons(!), and he also made a comment that an opponent's campaign worker beat his wife (based on no actual evidence, mind you). Just this year, back in February, he predicted (quite gleefully) in front of a roomfull of Republican supporters, that Ruth Bader Ginsburg would be dead inside 9 months from pancreatic cancer. Yep, Jim's quite a guy, alright. And he even managed to insult her further when he was coerced into appologizing, saying he was sorry "if I offended her." Um, not sorry that he ghoulishly indulged in wishing for the death of a political enemy for the idle enjoyment of other ghoulishly-minded sorts, only sorry if it made her feel bad...or whatever. Sheesh! Women! Who can figure 'em--am I right, fellas?

Jim Bunning has taken blustery partisan trash talk to new heights, but he isn't the type of guy to limit his art to only his political opponents--he's busy dishing it out to his own party people as well. Worried that he'll lose another reelection bid in 2010, GOPers have been none-too-subtle about their insinuations that Bunning can't win and that he should bow out of the race--a stance that has only pissed our boy off, giving him a reason (as if he needed one) to shoot off his spectacularly crazy mouth at everybody from GOP minority leader Mitch McConnell to Kentucky Senate President David Williams. He even publicly called Texas senator John Cornyn (the NRSC chairman) a liar. He's threatened to sue the GOP--and maybe even more incredibly, threatened to resign and let the Democratic governor name his replacement--if the Republican leaders refuse to help him get reelected. It just gets better and better with each new verbal bitch-slap he hands out.

Probably my favorite little Bunning gem this year was when he decided to hire a private agency to do a poll in order to project his odds of reelection (probably so he could use the information to insult McConnell's grandmother), but then, suspiciously, failed to release the results. And when I say "failed to release the results," I mean that he told a reporter that it was none of his "goddamned business" (*actual quote*), and that the reporter could get the information when HE payed someone $20,000 to do a study. Hmm, do you think Jim got good news in those poll projections, or not?

This week Bunning has come out publicly to say he thinks he'll raise more money than anyone else in the race. But of course, he refused to disclose how much money he actually does have on hand right now. I guess us jerks will just have to wait until next week, when by law he'll have to disclose his second-quarter fundraising report. When asked what he thought of the amount reported by potential rival Trey Grayson ($602,699 since May, more than twice Bunning's first-quarter raised funds of $262,980), Bunning used the opportunity to give one of his signature backhanded compliments:

"I congratulate (him). It's nice to be able to work everyday on just raising money...I don't have the luxury of going around the state and knocking on doors and making phone calls to everybody that is available to raise money from. This job keeps me a little busy." Yeah, afterall, he's only Secretary of State--basically he just hangs around the pool all day and eats bon-bons, I'm sure. Not like you, Jimbo: you get things done, right? busy, busy.

Weeell...actually: in 2006 Time magazine chose Bunning as one of the top five worst senators, calling him The Underperformer. According to the article: "When asked [other Senators] struggle to recall any legislation Bunning has worked on," and that "he has the smarts to be an effective Senator but doesn't put in the effort." Ouch. No wonder Jimmy's taking indiscriminate swings at anybody who comes near. With friends like these, who needs friends?

The meltdown of Jim Bunning seems like it's been fermenting and unfolding for ages, but we still have a long time to go before the 2010 election. I'm rubbing my expectant little hands together in anticipation of reading all about the approaching political trainwreck. I'll be keeping a close eye on the Jim Bunning implosion story, readers, so be ready for more updates on inept backwoods politicking from my home state...