No Hitting, Asshole

Today at work I was checking in some childrens' materials at the circulation desk, and came across the kids' book by Karen Katz titled No Hitting. It's one of those board books--so called because they're made with cardboard; notable for their crappy artwork and austere storylines: apparently toddlers can only handle hearing stories that are approximately one or two sentences long. Board books generally consist of 6-10 pages.

Anyway, No Hitting is a book that attempts to teach young children that hitting other people is wrong. It focuses on the little brother or sister scenario, whereby the child who is being read this book is supposed to learn that the natural compulsion to pummel a younger sibling is wrong--although it may feel so right. It also addresses the urge to beat animals too: "squeezing the cat," it declares, "is not okay."

I decided that this book takes the soft line in childrens' education. Why not call it like it is? Kids need to understand right away what this type of behavior leads to, the language needs to accurately reflect their future place in society if left to wander this path of violence which is their natural inclination. I decided that I need to step into the world of formative childrens' literature and bring the real message to the intended audience--no more pussy-footing! My new book will be called: Don't Hit Me, Asshole. It will explore the psychological need for toddler violence, the feelings and emotions inherant in the sibling relationship, and a solid defense for a pre-K pacifist manifesto. I envision a series of these types of books:

• Time to Share, Asshole
• Cover Your Mouth, Asshole
• Inside Voices, Asshole
• Don't Poop in Your Pants, Asshole

And the penultimate:

• Because I Said So, Asshole

I think this new series will really help parents teach their children about getting by in modern life, as well as to get kids to lay off the shitty behavior (at least until they're a teenager). I'm not advocating a particular style of parenting, readers, but it seems to me that our youth need to be taught a thing or two. Like, at the very least: don't be such an asshole.