NYE Top Ten: A Most Depressing List for a Most Depressing Year

Louisville Metro's Top Ten Most Depressing Places in Town

Readers, I don't have to tell you how sucky the year 2009 was. I know that naming things--especially years, decades and eras--should be postponed until a reasonable amount of time has passed and a more clear-headed perspective (endowed with a healthy dose of context) can be applied...but don't you think we can all just go ahead and call this one? 2009 was awful, in any way you could possibly judge it for cultural, financial, political, etc etc etc purposes. I mean, maybe you can bust out some old fashioned 1990's optimism and come up with something good that happened for you personally--maybe you lost ten pounds this year, or you got married or beat your personal best record for something--but collectively? Nope, it was disappointing to say the least. The best we can do today is say "good riddance" and hope that 2010 couldn't possibly be any worse. Depressing today, aren't I?

So as a tribute to the chirpishly nostalgic new years top ten lists of times gone by, I decided to make my own--albeit with a decidedly 2009-kind of feel (read: shitty). I thought up the top ten places around town (Louisville, KY) that would make the most appropriate (i.e. depressing) venues for ringing in new years eve tonight. Dig:

10: The Louisville "Extreme Park"

This one gets points (if you want to call them that) for being a truly painful reminder of Louisville's very real inability to follow through on a pretty decent idea. Remember when Tony Hawk came to town and ESPN was here covering the prestigious X Games? Yeah, well, that was way back in the last decade (1999) when hopes were high and there was a promise of "phase two" (which consisted of a multi-million dollar indoor facility that would've really upped the ante for this place). But of course, any further plans that would've really made the park fully realize its potential (e.g. drawing more high profile events to town) have been indefinitely put on the back burner.

9: Waffle House, Preston Highway

Well, I guess it could really be Waffle House, Anytown U.S.A. right? Being on Preston Highway really sets this one off, though--like Dixie Highway (we'll get to that one later in the list), this is a major artery of depressing, industrial big box shit as far as the eye can see. I picked the Awful House simply as an easy reference point, but anything along this road really stinks of cheap booze and depression.

8: 4th Street Live

Say, how would you like to spend a minimum of $80 on a night out in an obvious tourist trap money vacuum populated with drunken, misguided bachelorette parties, teeny boppers high on Fun Dip and guffawing red necks dressed like Larry the Cable Guy? Truly truly truly awful.

7: The Unfinished West End of the "Louisville Loop"

The Louisville Loop is a pretty great idea that I've mentioned admiringly here before: it's a gigantic bike trail that will someday (maybe--probably not) encircle the entirety of the city(!). An impressive goal, but in typical Louisville style we've pretty much run out of steam over the whole idea. Portions were completed, which are very nice, but there are noticeable gaps--mostly in the West end of town. The funny thing is (and again, this is typical) there was a big ribbon cutting ceremony a couple of years ago when the downtown section was completed--the mayor came out in full spandex cycling regalia, promising more progress, police bicycle patrols, etc. Several years later no one really talks about it anymore, and it just kind of ends right in the scary part of town.

6: Corporate Campus

Back when I was delivering mail I had this route that made a few stops at this monstrosity near the world headquarters of UPS: Corporate Campus. The name alone is pretty depressing, evoking a labyrinth of cubicles and lame Dilbert cartoons. Everything is gray there, even the landscaping (and the people). It's pretty much a living (if you want to call it that) example of what you get when you cut art and music funding from the public school system.

5: The Jefferson Mall

I don't know what is up with that name because Monticello this aint. If Thomas Jefferson knew what kind of horrific 20th century architectural abominations would be named for him, he might have made some sort of amendment outlawing kiosks. The surly Hot Topic aura, clothing and skin-penetrating properties of the ever-present Cinnabon odor and gangs of pregnant teenagers are pretty depressing too.

4: Louisville Motor Speedway

I think I've already mentioned red necks. If you like them, then head on over to the Louisville Motor Speedway, located in the center of the toothless Kenny Chesney supporting district: Fairdale. If you love trucks, truck nuts, commercial country music, Dale Earnhardt paraphernalia and/or constant and repetitive entertainment (i.e. NASCAR), you will like this place. If not, then no, never go here.

3: Lake Dreamland

This is a sad story of a little resort town that was popular at the turn of the century (like, 1900) in Louisville. All the wealthy types would rent summery vacation homes and drive out to get some healthful country air and socialize. By the 1970's a dangerous motorcycle gang had moved in and burned it all down. Now it's nothing but prefab houses, dirt, and factories. And speaking of broken dreams...

2: Buechel Bypass

So, you may imagine there's a joke in that name somewhere. Buechel Bypass is actually home to a lot of ghosts from my past--the above picture depicts the deconstruction of the Bashford Manor Mall, where my mom took us to shop when we were kids, and also where I later had a hilariously bad job working for a divorced Iranian couple who owned a French themed coffee shop inside. There was an old movie theatre where my husband and I went on our first date (Rush Hour, as I recall). There was also a pretty decent Denny's nearby where me and my friends annoyed the waitresses by hanging out all night and ordering nothing but coffee. It's got a Wal-Mart and a Burlington Coat Factory there now. Sigh.

And, the NUMBER 1 worst, most depressing place to spend NYE in Louisville, Kentucky...[drum roll]...

1: The Dixie Highway Hooters!

Oh, man, is this place a depressing dump! Order up some salmonella wings, have a $5 Bud Lite and ogle your server's cesarean scar--now that's a good time! Dixie Highway, much like Preston Hwy, is a death trap of food poisoning, meth labs and Wal-Mart shoppers with distemper. Stay away, landlubber--ye be warned.

Auld Lang Syne, readers.