Star Trek Cookbook Angers Two Kinds of Nerds

I'll admit it: I love Star Trek. But c'mon: some things tied to the franchise are just downright embarrassing. Case in point: The Star Trek Cookbook. It's "written" by Ethan Phillips--the guy who played Neelix (the Jar Jar Binks of Star Trek). Neelix was a character from Voyager--arguably (although, honestly, I don't see how anyone could possibly argue this)--THE worst installment of the Star Trek franchise. Did anyone like that show? It was truly horrid.

Anyway. "Neelix" up there decided there was a good idea (i.e. money to be made) in creating a cookbook showcasing recipes that would guide the fans in preparing their very own food eaten by characters on the show. A fun idea, but wow--according to the reviews on Amazon this idea went horribly wrong. Of course, the danger in failing a venture like this is that you draw the ire of two different groups who are especially anal about their particular interest: trekkies and foodies. Is there anything so scathingly verbose (or entertaining) as a spurned member from one of these sub-cultures?

This spectacular train wreck fails both groups on two different levels: it offends even halfway-knowledgeable trekkers with its wild inconsistencies and lack of research into the Trek lexicon, and it's apparently a pretty lousy excuse for a cookbook as well. I loved reading the reviewer comments, as you get a taste of the bitter dissatisfaction from both worlds. There's the culinary outrage:

"...some of the recipes themselves are poorly written and edited. For example, the Peptide Cake recipe does not specify the pan size."

"...the recipes are poorly laid out, and only the most general details and instructions given for the preparation of the food."

"...many of the recipes are rather boring and have just been given trekkie type names"

"There's a recipe for hot oatmeal. Like this couldn't be read off any package of Quaker oats."

"Some of the recipes aren't recipes at all"

"There are recipes that look good but when you start you find they are maddeningly vague. For example on one drink you're told to add "a whole chunk of fresh ginger." How big is that? You can destroy a dish with something that potent without better directions."

"...many of these recipes rely on bullion for flavor."

"Romulan Ale is nothing more than blue Gatorade mixed with sparkling water"

And then there's the critiques from the nerd faction:

"...it's been obviously written by people who don't understand and didn't bother to check the background information given on most foods and beverages presented in any of the Star Trek movies and the first four TV series"

"...after having confirmed that "raktajino" is a beverage similar to strong coffee..."Neelix" offers a recipe for raktajino cake that contains no coffee!"

"Any one who has seen "The Next Generation" knows that parthos looks nothing like brussels sprouts"

"On page 115, "Neelix" says that Commander Riker's favorite Klingon dish is "bregit lung"; on page 117 he says that Riker's favorite Klingon dish is "pipius claw."

"...who needs a recipe for oatmeal on the doubtful assertion that it's Jake Sisko's favorite breakfast?"

"...the authors have avoided including any recipe containing alcohol, altogether ignoring the liquors and spirits often showcased in the Star Trek universe."

"To pass a cherry pie off as "blood pie" is to say that the publishers really don't know--and don't care-- what Star Trek is all about."

And there you have it: the trekkies and the foodies stand united on this front. I'm glad I read these reviews, because I very nearly had decided to add it to my bookshelf--there's a space available right next to my copy of The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition.

I swear, it always takes a sarcastic flowchart to calm me down. This weekend I've been getting a little seduced (all over again) over the newest iThing. But, seriously: can you blame me? They've finally managed to make a real working version of the Padd--that great Star Trek mainstay dating from the Next Generation, a ubiquitous Trek technology--and now I can go to a store and buy one! Of course, I can't get too carried away: if I had 500 bucks I shouldn't be spending it on some first gen device from Apple, the overly proprietary bully of the technology set.

But gosh--I've had it in my head ever since reading Marilyn Johnson's excellent This Book is Overdue! How Librarians and Cybrarians Can Save Us All that I need to be unchained from the desk, out in the stacks and in the streets doing my reference thing in a mobile capacity in order to be truly relevant. The chapter about the Minnesotan librarians (see page 105) who went into the streets to help direct protesters during the RNC in 2008, bringing their iPhones and ready reference binders to the people who needed information, was pretty inspiring. The idea of being a renegade librarian is pretty awesome--not waiting inside a building for someone to ask you a question, getting all proactive, embracing technology, networking/plotting with other subversive librarians...it's all very invigorating/intriguing.

Anyway, so how does all this relate to me salivating over an iPad? Well, you know--I could run around town with it, aggressively providing reference service to random strangers...how great would that be? On my days off I could be the Kamikaze Street Librarian; when we inevitably lose internet access at my branch I could totally save the day; I could roam the stacks and help patrons without having to run back to the computer at my desk to search our OPAC or WorldCat, search the internet for some fact or title, or whatever. Pretty exciting stuff, when you think about it (and I have been thinking about it a lot), but of course I would have to wait till later this month when Apple releases the 3G version. And shit, would I have to pay some crazy AT&T data plan bill every month on top of my usual cell phone charges? That would be pretty pricey. So, alas, for now I think I will be taking the advice of our snarky friends at BBSpot who created our helpful (and sobering) flowchart above. But just wait until the iPad gets a little competition and the price drops--the KSL (Kamikaze Street Librarian) will be realized, then no one will be safe from my maverick brand of street reference!