Ump Has Minor League Sense of Humor

Readers, I am happy to report the hometown favorites of the International League have clinched the Western division title and are now moving on to the playoffs! The Louisville Bats--AAA farm team of the Cincinnati Reds--beat the Indianapolis Indians (farm team of the Pirates) yesterday 6 to 3 in their last regular season game of the year. Very exciting news (a situation that will hopefully be duplicated by our big league affiliates to the North pretty soon)--in fact, I'm planning on attending tomorrow night's game vs. the Durham Bulls for the first post-season game (it's dollar hot dog night!). So stayed tuned for highlights!

Also: one thing that grabbed our attention regarding yesterday's game is a little irregular, and I'd say deserves a little investigation. Apparently there was a mid-game ejection involving one member of the Bats organization who usually stays (more or less) clear of controversy: the above-pictured team mascot, Buddy Bat! The local papers are clueless when it comes to news people actually want to read--the morning sports section mentions the ejection, but fails to account for it, like we wouldn't care about a life-sized plush toy getting so out of hand he was barred from completing his day of work! Of course I care about that! What did he do? Was he using obscene language or gestures? Were children weeping? Was he fined? Will the AAA mascot union take action on Buddy's behalf? Come on, Courier-Journal, give us the facts!

It is sad that I have to turn to internet blogs for real news, but so it goes. According to "Nancy" over at Sandlot Swashbucklers the 3rd inning ended after a questionable double-play at first base. Apparently Louisville fans took umbrage, and the predicament inspired Buddy to make a statement:

"Buddy the Bat took the field to challenge a small fan to a race around the bases between innings, and as he did so, he was waving his arms/wings and gesturing about the just-completed double play -- apparently in a way that the first base umpire Lance Barrett did not appreciate."

Ha! Subversive charades! Nice one, Buddy--way to take one for the team! And way to flex that minor league authority there, Lance (some guys got no sense of humor). Go Bats!

KY State Fair Offers New Level of Dietary Mayhem

So you may have already heard about the Krispy Kreme cheeseburger making the rounds at state fairs across the country this summer. Our very own KY state fair was certainly no exception--we've been reading about this type 2 monstrosity in the local paper for a couple weeks now.

This shouldn't be totally surprising, there's a long-standing tradition of gastronomic oddities associated with the American state fair. It seems like there is always some sort of outrageously ill-conceived novelty snack invented every decade or so that specifically attempts to cash in on the state fair diabetes fervor. Consider: elephant ears/funnel cakes, corn dogs, cotton candy, Dippin' Dots (AKA "The Ice Cream of the Future"), steak-on-a-stick, etc. Obesity is the mother of invention, I guess.

But the Krispy Kreme cheeseburger does seem to be taking things a little far, doesn't it? It lacks nuance of any kind & seems so over-the-top in such a obvious way--I find it a little insulting in it's lack of subtlety--too many elements showcased into one package (Fried dough! Sugary glaze! Cheese! Bacon! Uh, mayo?), but I suppose that would be the point, right? And it is kind of a perfect food item metaphor: it symbolizes the current brand of don't-tread-on-me, in-yer-face, self-destructive libertarianism that perfectly reflects the political feelings of those who are most likely to consume it: "What? You socialist Obamacare commies are worried about my health? Well, F-you! I'll really give you something to worry about...nom-nom-nom...!"

(Due props to that guy in the video for the slammin' 'stache, tho)

Bon Apetit, Kentucky!

PETA V City of Louisville, or The Great Chicken Statue Debacle

for those of you who haven't kept up with this little news item, it seems that the opposing forces of YUM! brands, Inc. (the corporate mega-force behind KFC, among other things) and People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals are coming to a final reckoning over an issue involving a 5 & 1/2 foot tall crippled chicken statue (see scale model, above). Peta has been petitioning the city for a year or so about putting this thing up somewhere, and our beloved metro government--a bastion of semi-liberal idealism in KY--has tried its darndest to appear fair-minded and non-judgmental whilst it (politely) stalls, delays, dithers and, ultimately, declines Peta's petition.

Look, there should be no illusions: KFC and YUM!, Inc draw a lot of water in this town, and their sinister conglomerate (in conjunction with the diabolical ghost of Harlan Sanders) will not be undone by some hippies with a schlocky statue. The burden of legal precedence, however, falls to the city--whose woeful lack of animal-related statue ordinance has made their denial of PETA's permit request rather suspicious (especially when you consider the city-wide adoption in 2003 of ubiquitous tacky race horse statues):

"People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals said a moratorium on animal statues by the Louisville Metro Government came only after the group applied for its permit a year ago, and so their application should not be held to rules made at a later date, the Louisville Courier-Journal reported Monday." (UPI)

Hmm. Maybe metro gov'ment thinks KY has enough (in)famous chicken statues already.

So everybody who's from KY will know what I'm talking about when I say "Hurrah" for House Bill 251, aka, the "stray horse bill."

Finally! Now there's policy in place for dealing with all these damn stray horses. What? You say you don't have that problem where you're from? Well, welcome to KY, stranger, where you can't go more than a block or two without stumbling over a flaxen-coated Derby contender. Pffsch! Thoroughbreds! Big deal--in my state they're a dime a dozen, and they eat all your grass and shit on your front porch. "Majestic" indeed. There's a reason Kentucky isn't the tourist mecca that Florida or Nevada is (two words: horse flatulence). Now that our streets will soon be equine-free I think we can expect cleaner living, a dramatic drop-off in stampede-related property damage, and a generally more hygienic environment in which to pluck our banjos in our bare feet while courting our first cousins. Yee-haw! *shoots pistols in air*

Six White Flags Over an Unprofitable Parking Lot

So all the native Louisvillians out there will have already heard the news that Six Flags is closing down Kentucky Kingdom. This after they had made an announcement last year that they would be expanding the water park. Although, honestly, it all sounded very fishy to this Louisvillian, what with the common knowledge that the park attendance was way down, then later when SF had filed in June for bankruptcy protection and all. And lets not forget all the nightmare press over that gruesome severed feet incident of three years past. All these things contribute to the feeling of looming failure that has, since its dismal late-eighties premier, always clung to this place.

When it first opened in 1987 in the parking lot at the Ky Fair and Exposition Center it was about as Podunk a place as you could imagine--maybe a couple of steps above a well-funded brat's birthday party (think inflatable bounce castles and sad, broken pony rides). The park was initiated through the misguided ambitions of an eccentric local millionaire who figured he could do worse than throw some money at the local tourism industry--the idea re-payed him by promptly going belly-up after its first summer of operation. I'm a little hazy on the exact time line and other such details (I was, like, 7 years old at the time), but I seem to recall it laying dormant like the creepy haunted park in that episode of Scooby-Doo (the one with the robot phantom or something) for a while before someone else bought it and it reopened. Maybe it was the very next year.

The park changed hands a few times, becoming a popular teenage gathering place--and later a dangerous gang recruitment center, according to hazy recollections based on half-remembered "problem teen" stories on the local news from that time--before Six Flags eventually bought it and cleaned it up in the late 90's. It had improved quite a bit--bigger rides with brand names (T2, Mr. Freeze, Superman), Looney Tunes character endorsement--all the trappings of a corporate takeover, which for a theme park is probably a good thing. I had one of my very first shitty teenage jobs there, as a ride operator for the giant Ferris wheel. Amusement parks, like movie theaters, are run almost entirely by teenagers and the turnover was so rapid that I was basically given sole command of the wheel operation after my second week on the job (think about that the next time you are strapping into a "thrill ride").

But getting back to the idea of looming specters of failure: it always seemed like the place was star-crossed to begin with, and the theme kept playing itself out. The first roller coaster at the park was the Vampire--one of those that go through its coarse frontwards, then backwards--and it was infamous for breaking down, leaving its occupants stranded for hours. When it was finally removed, the story got out that it had originally been operating in Japan, but was dismantled and sold to Kentucky Kingdom because of the common local belief that it was cursed--no one in Japan would dare ride it. Then there was an incident around the time I was working there: the hiring staff failed to do any kind of background checks on the employees, even a very basic one--consequently it was found out that they had hired a registered sex offender, who was assigned to work in kiddie land (he was later fired when he was caught fondling some kids). Bad press like this has been the hallmark for the Kingdom, so I guess nobody should really be surprised that Six Flags is pulling up stakes. It'll be interesting to see what happens with the place now--I'm guessing it'll make a pretty good shanty town for teenage gangs, Japanese poltergeists and spooky robot phantoms.

New Albany Flood Wall Stolen!

Perusing the local news sites at work on the night shift can get pretty boring, especially on Mondays during football season. After 7pm or so it gets really quiet, and I'm left pretty much to my own devices. That's why I'm always thankful to our neighbor to the North: New Albany, Indiana (AKA: "the sunny side of Louisville") for always seeming to have hilarious problems. Problems like people going out and stealing their flood wall.

According to investigators the wall is valued at around $9,000. Anyone having information as to the whereabouts of the wall should contact the New Albany Police tip line at 812-948-6273.