Star Trek Cookbook Angers Two Kinds of Nerds

I'll admit it: I love Star Trek. But c'mon: some things tied to the franchise are just downright embarrassing. Case in point: The Star Trek Cookbook. It's "written" by Ethan Phillips--the guy who played Neelix (the Jar Jar Binks of Star Trek). Neelix was a character from Voyager--arguably (although, honestly, I don't see how anyone could possibly argue this)--THE worst installment of the Star Trek franchise. Did anyone like that show? It was truly horrid.

Anyway. "Neelix" up there decided there was a good idea (i.e. money to be made) in creating a cookbook showcasing recipes that would guide the fans in preparing their very own food eaten by characters on the show. A fun idea, but wow--according to the reviews on Amazon this idea went horribly wrong. Of course, the danger in failing a venture like this is that you draw the ire of two different groups who are especially anal about their particular interest: trekkies and foodies. Is there anything so scathingly verbose (or entertaining) as a spurned member from one of these sub-cultures?

This spectacular train wreck fails both groups on two different levels: it offends even halfway-knowledgeable trekkers with its wild inconsistencies and lack of research into the Trek lexicon, and it's apparently a pretty lousy excuse for a cookbook as well. I loved reading the reviewer comments, as you get a taste of the bitter dissatisfaction from both worlds. There's the culinary outrage:

"...some of the recipes themselves are poorly written and edited. For example, the Peptide Cake recipe does not specify the pan size."

"...the recipes are poorly laid out, and only the most general details and instructions given for the preparation of the food."

"...many of the recipes are rather boring and have just been given trekkie type names"

"There's a recipe for hot oatmeal. Like this couldn't be read off any package of Quaker oats."

"Some of the recipes aren't recipes at all"

"There are recipes that look good but when you start you find they are maddeningly vague. For example on one drink you're told to add "a whole chunk of fresh ginger." How big is that? You can destroy a dish with something that potent without better directions."

"...many of these recipes rely on bullion for flavor."

"Romulan Ale is nothing more than blue Gatorade mixed with sparkling water"

And then there's the critiques from the nerd faction:

"...it's been obviously written by people who don't understand and didn't bother to check the background information given on most foods and beverages presented in any of the Star Trek movies and the first four TV series"

"...after having confirmed that "raktajino" is a beverage similar to strong coffee..."Neelix" offers a recipe for raktajino cake that contains no coffee!"

"Any one who has seen "The Next Generation" knows that parthos looks nothing like brussels sprouts"

"On page 115, "Neelix" says that Commander Riker's favorite Klingon dish is "bregit lung"; on page 117 he says that Riker's favorite Klingon dish is "pipius claw."

"...who needs a recipe for oatmeal on the doubtful assertion that it's Jake Sisko's favorite breakfast?"

"...the authors have avoided including any recipe containing alcohol, altogether ignoring the liquors and spirits often showcased in the Star Trek universe."

"To pass a cherry pie off as "blood pie" is to say that the publishers really don't know--and don't care-- what Star Trek is all about."

And there you have it: the trekkies and the foodies stand united on this front. I'm glad I read these reviews, because I very nearly had decided to add it to my bookshelf--there's a space available right next to my copy of The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition.

Recent Visit to ATC HQ...

Readers, you may be wondering if I ever took that camping trip I was mincing around about earlier this summer. You know, the one I was talking myself out of on account of all the unsettling bear-related anxiety? Yeah, I bailed on that idea, as you may have already suspected.

So I've been reflecting a lot about bears and camping out lately. In fact, just this week I was up visiting the Appalachian Trail Conservancy's headquarters at Harper's Ferry in West Virginia. My conclusion? After a fascinating visit (that concluded with my official membership in the ATC, as well as a spiffy t-shirt purchase) I've come around to really REALLY wanting to do a South-to-North thru-hike of the trail someday. I've been flirting with the idea of doing small section hikes for years now, but the idea of spending a 6 month period backpacking the entire thing is now holding sway (my current progress through Earl Shaffer's excellent Walking With Spring is cementing this rather romantic idea). And you know what? Talking with people who have actually followed through with this crazy undertaking makes it seem totally doable.

So I picked up the above-pictured brochure during my visit, and a quick look inside gleaned a lot of straightforward, no-BS advice regarding a thru-hike. As you might expect in such an official source, several pages worth of practical safety advice was included...and this is where bears re-enter the discussion. According to page 21:

"In recent years there have been reports of bears on the A.T. ripping open tents and even grabbing a sleeping bag or bivy sack and attempting to drag it off with a hiker inside. A bear that enters a campsite or cooking area should be considered predatory. Yelling, making loud noises, throwing rocks, etc., may frighten it away, however, you should be prepared to fight back if necessary. If you are actually attacked by a bear, you should fight for all you are worth and with anything at hand--rocks, sticks, fists."

(!) *eep* Bears actively seeking out non-menacing, unconscious people in their sleeping bags (i.e. hiker burritos) and dragging them off to their woodland lairs for a midnight snack?? Does this mean that the old "playing dead" shtick is debunked? Now we're being advised to go fist-to-giant-claws-and-teeth with a 400 pound snarly beast? Hmm! So there's something to think about, eh, campers?

KY State Fair Offers New Level of Dietary Mayhem

So you may have already heard about the Krispy Kreme cheeseburger making the rounds at state fairs across the country this summer. Our very own KY state fair was certainly no exception--we've been reading about this type 2 monstrosity in the local paper for a couple weeks now.

This shouldn't be totally surprising, there's a long-standing tradition of gastronomic oddities associated with the American state fair. It seems like there is always some sort of outrageously ill-conceived novelty snack invented every decade or so that specifically attempts to cash in on the state fair diabetes fervor. Consider: elephant ears/funnel cakes, corn dogs, cotton candy, Dippin' Dots (AKA "The Ice Cream of the Future"), steak-on-a-stick, etc. Obesity is the mother of invention, I guess.

But the Krispy Kreme cheeseburger does seem to be taking things a little far, doesn't it? It lacks nuance of any kind & seems so over-the-top in such a obvious way--I find it a little insulting in it's lack of subtlety--too many elements showcased into one package (Fried dough! Sugary glaze! Cheese! Bacon! Uh, mayo?), but I suppose that would be the point, right? And it is kind of a perfect food item metaphor: it symbolizes the current brand of don't-tread-on-me, in-yer-face, self-destructive libertarianism that perfectly reflects the political feelings of those who are most likely to consume it: "What? You socialist Obamacare commies are worried about my health? Well, F-you! I'll really give you something to worry about...nom-nom-nom...!"

(Due props to that guy in the video for the slammin' 'stache, tho)

Bon Apetit, Kentucky!

Rand Paul: Crazier than Jim Bunning?

Readers, I've probably been a little lax lately in keeping you up to date with the latest Ky political wranglings. It's likely a combination of the shitty weather, general summer laziness, and the crushing sense of impending doom that is the inevitability of what will surely be known to history as the Great Hollerin' Hillbilly Takeover of 2010. I'm talking, of course, about Ky's 2010 Senate race.

So the issue at hand: Rand Paul. He's apparently a big deal--something about his household name of a daddy and a beverage-related get-together. It's been rather messy from the get-go. "Messy" in that, like, the minute he won the primary election he dissed the civil rights movement on national television. He says it's not like he's a racist, mind you--not Dr. Paul, he hates bigotry, lots of black friends, you understand--it's just that, you know, private business owners should get to decide if they'd like to be racists themselves, without all those pesky federal anti-discrimination laws getting in the way.

Bottom line: is he a contender to win this thing? Unfortunately, it looks like Paul is pretty much unstoppable; Louisville may be a bunch of drum circling hippies (comparatively), but the rest of KY is solidly gun-toting and beverage get-togethering. So the real question isn't really "Will Rand Paul get elected?" It's more like "Will Rand Paul be an acceptably bonkers successor to the throne of crazy built by Jim Bunning?" Readers, I wasn't so sure...until I read yesterday's Courier-Journal. Check out this headline:

"Paul ponders legal options after abduction allegation" (!!)

You see, in his wackier college days, Rand Paul (allegedly) kid-napped a female classmate, "tried to make her smoke marijuana and then forced her to bow down and praise a fictional god" !!! Apparently Paul was in some dumbass "secret society" while he was enrolled at Baylor University, and he and a buddy abducted a girl from the swim team, tried to get her to take a bong hit (which would've made all of this make a lot more sense to her), then, as his alleged abductee recently told GQ Magazine, demanded that she give praise to something (someone?) called the "Aqua Buddha":

“They told me their god was ‘Aqua Buddha' and that I needed to bow down and worship him,” she told the magazine. “They blindfolded me and made me bow down to ‘Aqua Buddha' in the creek. I had to say, ‘I worship you Aqua Buddha, I worship you.' At Baylor, there were people actively going around trying to save you and we had to go to chapel, so worshiping idols was a big no-no.”

Wow, 1983...it was a hell of a year I guess (although, as an "active member of Young Conservatives of Texas" shouldn't he have been worshiping Reagan by 1983?).

I wish I could say that this--or any of his other gaffes and rants--would make a difference to the (very) likely outcome I foresee for November. But honestly? He could bite the head off Bristol Palin's baby on Fox News and he'd still crush Jack Conway this Fall.

So to answer my own question: time will tell--but like my Magic 8 Ball always seemed to say, all signs point to "yes".

New Coffee Maker Prompts Call to Electrician

Above you will notice the star attraction of the MM office: our brand new Dutch-made Technivorm Moccamaster KBT-741! Oh Boy!

After much deliberation, research and arithmetic we came to the conclusion that this is definitely the ultimate choice in home coffee making technology: it is one of only a few drip machines out there that heats water to 200 degrees--the necessary temperature to produce really really good coffee. That theory is definitely confirmed in my opinion: I made coffee this morning that was so freaking good it demanded my full attention. The only problem? I woefully underestimated the amount of electricity our sad little power circuits could deliver. You see, the Technivorm requires 1275 watts of electricity(!)...during its 3 minute brewing cycle it tripped our breakers twice! We were informed that we will need to run a new, completely separate circuit into the kitchen to accommodate The Dutch Master.

It'll be totally worth it.

Reds' Second Stringer Makes Bold Facial Statement

Readers, I've been almost afraid to talk about my beloved Cincinnati Reds this season for fear that my blatant attention will cause them to start sucking again (i.e. return to the Cincy status quo). That always seems to be the case, anyway: as soon as I allow myself to become emotionally invested in a sports team (which hardly ever happens, by the way) they reward me by promptly going south, breaking my heart via devastating and/or embarrassing failure/loss/stupidity. So I'll admit to indulging in a little magical thinking--insofar as it pertains to negative karma--it just comes with the territory when you are brought up a certain way (read: Catholic).

So anyway, That fellow there is just another reason to be excited about our boys from the "Queen City of the West" this year: check out the 'stache on Corky Miller! We Louisvillians are used to seeing old Porky there intermittently as the catcher for the Reds' AAA farm team (the Louisville Bats) whenever he's hitting especially bad (like right now). So he may be a shitty sub-.300 hitter, but he's got a major league-worthy mustache, and for that we salute you, Corky!

PETA V City of Louisville, or The Great Chicken Statue Debacle

for those of you who haven't kept up with this little news item, it seems that the opposing forces of YUM! brands, Inc. (the corporate mega-force behind KFC, among other things) and People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals are coming to a final reckoning over an issue involving a 5 & 1/2 foot tall crippled chicken statue (see scale model, above). Peta has been petitioning the city for a year or so about putting this thing up somewhere, and our beloved metro government--a bastion of semi-liberal idealism in KY--has tried its darndest to appear fair-minded and non-judgmental whilst it (politely) stalls, delays, dithers and, ultimately, declines Peta's petition.

Look, there should be no illusions: KFC and YUM!, Inc draw a lot of water in this town, and their sinister conglomerate (in conjunction with the diabolical ghost of Harlan Sanders) will not be undone by some hippies with a schlocky statue. The burden of legal precedence, however, falls to the city--whose woeful lack of animal-related statue ordinance has made their denial of PETA's permit request rather suspicious (especially when you consider the city-wide adoption in 2003 of ubiquitous tacky race horse statues):

"People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals said a moratorium on animal statues by the Louisville Metro Government came only after the group applied for its permit a year ago, and so their application should not be held to rules made at a later date, the Louisville Courier-Journal reported Monday." (UPI)

Hmm. Maybe metro gov'ment thinks KY has enough (in)famous chicken statues already.